Thank you to all who have asked questions in relation to being a leader’s wife in ministry. I hope this post is helpful for pastors' wives and those who want to know how to pray for and support their leaders’ families. The number of questions I’ve received on the topic of ministry wives will require several blog posts. This initial post will provide the context for all the questions I will answer in the ministry wife category.
Being a leader’s wife
As a leader’s wife, people watch you more closely, expecting you to be an example for them, like you are in a fish bowl. This can cause fear, pressure to be someone you aren’t and to do things you can’t, pressure to discipline your children to please others watching, desire to perform so that you don’t look bad, and lead you to feel like you get paid nothing but have to do everything and be available all the time. Personally, it all can easily add up to loneliness, depression, feeling used or overwhelmed—or it can add up to learning to pray and listen to God, and the knowledge that you have to completely depend on Jesus to get you through every step of the journey.
I got a taste of this growing up as a pastor’s daughter, and I’ve experienced all the emotions listed above through over 15 years of ministry. But I can now say that I am thankful for where God has Mark and me and for all we have learned in the process. There have been many times where it just seemed easier to quit and do anything else, but God reminded us of his calling and gave us strength to keep going.
So what does the Bible say about being a leader’s wife? Nothing, specifically. We are to follow the same guidelines as any godly wife. (See “An Excellent [Godly] Wife.”) There are qualifications for an elder or leader of the church, and as wives, we are to be helpers in the calling of our husbands and encouraging them and their qualifications.
Titus 1:7-9 tells us an overseer (elder) must be above reproach, not arrogant, quick-tempered, violent, greedy for gain, or a drunkard. Rather, he must be hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, disciplined, and must hold firm to the Word and defend it. 1 Timothy 3:17 reiterates this but adds that he must be the husband of one wife, respectable, able to teach, not quarrelsome or a lover of money, good manager of his household, not a recent convert, and well thought of by outsiders. What a thorough list! Leaders in the church definitely need the help of an excellent wife to support them.
As leaders' wives, we are also members of the church and called to be godly, as all other wives are. However, we need to protect the privacy of our marriage and family to a degree that other wives may not need to—all in the midst of accountable, trusting community who we can be real with.
Who to be real with
Over and over leaders' wives have asked me, “Who am I supposed to be honest and talk about my problems with? Where do I turn when I am hurting?” Unfortunately, I didn’t do this well in the beginning of ministry and it led to many problems in our marriage. We need to talk to God first and then to our husbands. Too often I stuffed my problems and didn’t want to “bother” Mark with them. I believed the lie that I wasn’t as important as the people in the church. Sometimes I talked to another woman but was not able to get helpful advice. In the loneliest times, I learned to talk to Jesus first and seek what he wanted me to do. Sometimes he asked me to remain in prayer about an issue until I had an answer, other times he asked me to repent of sin, other times he asked me to talk to Mark and trust his counsel, and yet other times he worked it through and give me peace just by praying and not trying to control the issue.
I have realized that expecting one female friend to be everything you need is an unfair expectation (and can quickly make her into an idol). After God showed me over and over that he wants to be first in my life and to put my husband second in priority, I was able to build healthy friendships with a handful of godly women.
It takes time and discernment to establish trust and not rush into a friendship, no matter how lonely you might feel. I would caution you not to make a relationship work. You will either get along with someone and connect or you won’t. I have women in my life that have very different personalities than I do (so they challenge me in good ways), but we don’t have to work at getting along. We work at building the friendship, but we also know that in ministry we need to not depend on each other emotionally as we should our own husbands. No female friendship should take priority over your friendship with your husband. Ask your husband if he feels that there are people besides him who seem more important to you than he is.
Guard your time
There is also the matter of women feeling overwhelmed with all the ministry demands on the family, but of also wanting to have friends and give time to them. I have discovered that, while I do need relationships with women, I don’t have much time to give after caring for my husband and children. We all need to examine our schedules so that we are stewarding our time and priorities well.
It’s not a bad thing for a wife and mom to want girl time or fun time, but when we make that happen before our responsibilities are taken care of, it is sinful. When you have children in the infant/toddler years, there are more intense demands on your time and you need to accept that you can find much joy in the midst of all the sacrifices you are making. Repent of grumbling and pray for God to help you enjoy the “little blessings” that he has given you. In the midst of the day-in-day-out tasks, it can seem like things will never be different, but after looking back (since my oldest is 14 now) I can honestly tell you it goes by super fast.
I will write a post on godly mothering, but for now just know that you will not regret the time and energy you put into raising your children now, and it’s difficult to try to make up for not having been available and present when they get older. We need to live in the “now” and plan for the future, not wishing the future was now or wanting someone else’s life. Ask God and your husband to help you look at the calendar and plan each season of life in order of priorities (for example time with God, time with spouse, time with kids individually, time with a friend). If you just let life keep going without setting goals for yourself, your marriage, and your family, you will waste more time than you can imagine. We can’t “do it all,” so we need to daily decide what needs to happen. Make a list and ask God to help you keep your priorities and work hard. Be gracious with yourself (and not condemning) if there are things that don’t get done, but keep them on the list for the next day.
If you don’t stay connected to God and your husband in friendship, life will feel harder, more hopeless, more lonely, and purposeless. If God gives you female friends to journey with, be thankful for the time you are able to spend with them and be careful it doesn’t become a place for gossip or bitterness to abound. A good friend will encourage you in godly womanhood, marriage, and parenting rather than demanding from you what you can’t give or leading you astray.