Read "Ministry Wife - Part 1"
Continuing with the topic of being a ministry wife, common questions asked by wives are, “How do I handle other people’s expectations of me as a leader’s wife? What do I say when they tell me I should be leading music, Bible studies, children’s ministry, church social events, etc?” Having grown up as a pastor’s daughter and now being a pastor's wife, I believe these are very important questions. I want to reiterate that there are no commanded responsibilities in the Bible for the pastor’s wife as it pertains to church ministry. There are many women who will try to convince you otherwise in order to fulfill their demands for how they want the church to accommodate them, but it's a lie.
The pastor’s wife should be a maturing, Christian member of the church body, serving and giving as God gifts her and enables her. She should not be expected to be at every event or have a public gift (teaching, counseling, leading a ministry, etc.). Much of her service, especially if she has kids, is in her home and not seen.
Serving in the background and not being a public figure in your church as a ministry wife is an opportunity to model that your identity is in Christ and not in people and what they think of you. Until recent years, people only knew who I was if they had been in the church a while or saw me with Mark. I never imagined or desired to get out from behind the scenes. Rather, in various seasons as a wife and mom, God has given me different ways to serve. If people try to stereotype you into a role at your church, you need to kindly let them know that is not what you believe the Bible tells you to do as a leader’s wife.
Many years ago, I had a pushy woman come up and tell me that at her old church she and her husband were were best friends with the pastor and his wife and had dinner with them regularly. "So," she asked, "When can we meet for dinner?!"
I was a bit shocked and responded, “I’m sorry but we just aren’t able to do that. We have many invitations for dinner and appreciate the kind offer, but with our limited family time we can’t have dinner with everyone who asks or we would never have meals as a family.”
She didn’t like my answer at all, and I wondered if I had been too abrupt. But it was just the truth. We probably get more invitations than there are days in the year, so the reality is that we have to say no. With our kids also in school, we can’t be out late on weeknights, Friday is date night, and Saturday Mark has to Sabbath to prepare for work on Sunday. Most people have the weekends off and don’t understand Sunday is the biggest workday for us. Some have said that preaching one sermon is equivalent to an 8-hour day of work, and Mark preaches 4 sermons on Sunday, making it a 32-hour day!
Rather than have everyone depend on and be connected our family, we encourage people to be in community through our midweek Community Groups, where they can have dinner and relationships. People in the church need to be connected, but not everyone needs to be connected to the pastor’s family.
In the beginning of Mars Hill I also served incessantly, thinking it was required and expected. In the process, I neglected Mark’s needs and wasn’t the best support for him. I did all the church dinners, baby showers, bridal showers, meals for new moms (for two weeks at a time), church dinners, setting up coffee/tea on Sunday, mom’s group study, meeting with women—basically anything that involved food or women.
I also had a false standard and made every food item from scratch—not that that’s sin, but with all the preparation it was an impossible expectation to keep. Boy, was I thankful when grocery stores started having pre-made cookie dough so that I could stock up when it went on sale.
When I started having babies, I tried to keep up the same responsibilities and didn’t train anyone to whom I could delegate them. Mark had to kindly help me step back and see that my identity wasn’t in how well or how much food I could make for all the people but rather in God creating me. I needed to worship him in my serving, not the church body. That was a tough conversation but also a necessary one.
When I stepped down, it allowed others to step up and serve. They were able to see the need and wanted to help rather than just consume. Young gals were thrilled to learn how to bake and cook, as many hadn’t had any training in the home. Trading cooking lessons for childcare became a great way to serve as we had kids, and I still got to use my gifts, just in a less-visible way. As a ministry wife, if someone asks you to do something you can’t or aren’t gifted to do, then be honest. If you feel guilt, that's the enemy trying to side-track your priorities (being godly woman, wife, mother, friend). If you feel conviction that you need to serve more or differently, and if you have extra time and energy, then talk to your husband and make sure he thinks that would be helpful to him and the church. If he says, “No,” then let it go and don’t let “fear of man” expectations distract you.
As Proverbs 29:25 says, “Fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” If we choose to fear the opinion of others, we'll be in a trap whereby we make our decisions based on other's opinions rather than what the Holy Spirit is telling us. If we ask God for wisdom and trust what he says, he protects us. It’s important to break the habit of fearing man so that we can clearly hear from the Lord who is the only one who can let us work from his calling and not others’ manipulation or imposition.
One of the most common commands in the Bible is “fear not,” and almost every time God says it, “I am with you,” follows. He wants us to trust that he is with us, will never leave us, and loves us more than anyone. We don’t need to seek approval of others because we have the approval of God!
If we allow people to push us around or seek to live up to their expectations and unreasonable demands, we are using them for our sense of approval, value, security, and comfort. If we don’t stop the cycle, we eventually become dependent on other people to make our decisions rather than on God. As we obey the command to fear not, we are able to stop using people and actually start loving them. When we start saying no, or even showing people if they are being rude and/or unreasonable with their demands, we are actually loving them by doing what is best for them. Be encouraged that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding” (Psalm 111:10).